Loved this read! The way you described Carrie’s style as “experimenting with identities” felt so spot on. She really changes her style with every new man or shift in her work life.
It’s kind of scary to ask yourself what you actually want because the game is kind of over if you figure it out and get it. But not knowing is just as chaotic. This definitely inspired me to think more about what I really want.🩵
"it's kind of scary to ask yourself what you actually want because the game is kind of over if you figure it out" — i push back gently here! the game isn't over. it just becomes a completely different game. one you're actually playing on purpose instead of on autopilot :)
The Charlotte-as-strategist reframe is sharp, and I think you're right that clarity functions behaviorally more than magically. But I'd push back slightly on the wardrobe-as-rehearsal idea. Or rather, complicate it.
Charlotte's clothes work as identity reinforcement because she already knows the role she's auditioning for. The outfit and the desire are synchronized. What's more interesting, and more uncomfortable, is what happens when they're not, when women dress for a version of themselves they've outgrown, or haven't grown into yet, or are actively trying to shed. That gap between the clothes and the self isn't failure. It's usually where the most interesting identity work is actually happening.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately: the women who dress most deliberately aren't always the ones who are most certain. Sometimes they're the ones in the most active negotiation with who they're becoming. The polish can be armor as much as aspiration.
Which makes me wonder whether Charlotte's real superpower isn't the clarity itself, it's the willingness to perform the desired identity out loud, in public, before she has any evidence it will work. That's not delusion. That's a very specific kind of courage most of us are too ironic to attempt.
"the gap between the clothes and the self isn't failure — it's usually where the most interesting identity work is actually happening"
you really captured the heartbeat of my underlying thesis perfectly :)
saying 2025 was "challenging" for me doesn't begin to do it justice. somewhat vulnerably, i returned home — devastated — and lived in my grandma's basement for 6 months after betrayals and abuses so deep, i didn't recognize myself when i looked into the mirror.
clothes really pulled me out of it. they can be so nourishing for our identity and embodiment if we allow them to be.
i believe you're spot on that polish can be armor. and i think charlotte would agree with that too — perhaps she just decided the armor and the aspiration could be the same thing 🤍
Thank you for sharing that. That you found your way back through clothes, there’s something quietly radical about using the most surface-level thing to rebuild from the inside out.
And yes, Charlotte deciding the armor and the aspiration are the same thing might be the most sophisticated read of her character I’ve come across.
Yes!! I always found Carrie so irritating - in fact all the characters were highly irritating. I couldn't relate to any of them as actual women. But Charlotte got the closest for me every time. And the reason was her deliberate choices. She knew who she was and what she wanted.
Always rubbed me the wrong way how Charlotte’s desire for a family is presented as something inferior to others’ hookups. Samantha is seen as empowering for knowing what she wants, but Charlotte is weak somehow. Sends a subtle message that it’s fine to know what you want only if it’s casual sex, being detached, not something serious and deep. I believe that sleeping around for men is not good at all too, yet I see this pattern of either telling women they should do the same , or accept that men are sluts no matter what ( a woman close to me actually said like that). I believe part of Samantha being loved so much is because of this overcorrection, women feel like Sam is “avenging “ for them, doing what they could not do (being detached from men and only wanting sex, giving men their own medicine etc).
the double standard you're naming is real — there's a very specific kind of dismissiveness reserved for women who want something earnest and say it out loud.
crazy crazy crazy to me that samantha gets celebrated for her clarity. but char gets patronized for hers.
in my mind, the underlying skill is the same: knowing what you want and refusing to apologize for it. that's what i wanted this piece to reframe 🤍
You can literally run it through AI detectors and it comes up as AI. I use AI for research and long document summaries. It’s easy to recognize when you have exposure.
yes, she really did manifest her life! I did the same in my teens and twenties and telling myself I will end up in Europe in my thirties. And at 35, I married an Italian and moved to Italy. Charlott may not have known every little detail of her life she wanted figured out all the time, but she had the big picture. And she always knew what she didn't want.
It happened to me as well. Clear goals to work to has put me on a far far better place than I ever was before. And relationships are something I’ve been learning more specifics on what I want. Things I won’t compromise on. And it’s hard to find.
I love this! I think you nailed it on the head when it comes to manifestation: "When you know what you want, you filter your choices differently." I too am not a woo-woo person, but having a clear idea of what I want and those outcomes without a clear path has definitely led me to make choices, often subconsciously, that take me one step closer. How I spend my time, where I go, who I take interest in chatting with, etc. Those small changes and decisions are each a nudge forward and eventually you'll land at your destination.
I also think the world has a specific type for jealously for a woman who is willing to voice she wants something out of her reach. We mark them as silly and naive, but maybe those criticizing are really just jealous she's going for it.
'each a nudge forward' — yes, exactly. it's not magic, it's just filtered decision-making running in the background. the path reveals itself because you started walking differently, not because the universe rearranged itself.
and your last point really hit me. i think you're right — there's a specific discomfort people feel around women who name what they want before they have it. it gets disguised as concern or realism but it's often just 'how dare you want that out loud.' charlotte got that from her own friends for six seasons. thank you for this comment, it genuinely added to the piece for me.
"a specific discomfort people feel around women who name what they want before they have it" -- yesss, this is the edgiest thing, because it is brave as all out.
Charlotte York dresses like someone who believes in the life she wants. Her clothes aren't decoration, they are practically her life rehearsal. Every silk dress, every tailored coat reinforces the same internal message: this is the life I'm building. That's fashion psychology. Every outfit is a small vote for the person you believe yourself to be, or the person you are training yourself to become. I see this constantly, how getting dressed is practice (not performance). And the clarity work? When you know what you want, you filter your choices differently. You exit certain situations faster, entertain fewer ambiguous dynamics, recognise misalignment sooner. Clarity reorganises reality behaviourally, not magically. Charlotte wasn't naive, she was strategic. Ambiguous men get boring when you are clear. This is necessary and brilliant work. Building a wardrobe that assumes the future is already on its way. Absolutely loved this post!
digital zen garden. I might have to steal that from you. That is such a perfect way to describe substack and how we are building it in our communities!! ♥️
As the biggest Charlotte York defender, I absolutely LOVED this!! Immediately subscribed, excited to read more!
Same!
Loved this read! The way you described Carrie’s style as “experimenting with identities” felt so spot on. She really changes her style with every new man or shift in her work life.
It’s kind of scary to ask yourself what you actually want because the game is kind of over if you figure it out and get it. But not knowing is just as chaotic. This definitely inspired me to think more about what I really want.🩵
"it's kind of scary to ask yourself what you actually want because the game is kind of over if you figure it out" — i push back gently here! the game isn't over. it just becomes a completely different game. one you're actually playing on purpose instead of on autopilot :)
The Charlotte-as-strategist reframe is sharp, and I think you're right that clarity functions behaviorally more than magically. But I'd push back slightly on the wardrobe-as-rehearsal idea. Or rather, complicate it.
Charlotte's clothes work as identity reinforcement because she already knows the role she's auditioning for. The outfit and the desire are synchronized. What's more interesting, and more uncomfortable, is what happens when they're not, when women dress for a version of themselves they've outgrown, or haven't grown into yet, or are actively trying to shed. That gap between the clothes and the self isn't failure. It's usually where the most interesting identity work is actually happening.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately: the women who dress most deliberately aren't always the ones who are most certain. Sometimes they're the ones in the most active negotiation with who they're becoming. The polish can be armor as much as aspiration.
Which makes me wonder whether Charlotte's real superpower isn't the clarity itself, it's the willingness to perform the desired identity out loud, in public, before she has any evidence it will work. That's not delusion. That's a very specific kind of courage most of us are too ironic to attempt.
"the gap between the clothes and the self isn't failure — it's usually where the most interesting identity work is actually happening"
you really captured the heartbeat of my underlying thesis perfectly :)
saying 2025 was "challenging" for me doesn't begin to do it justice. somewhat vulnerably, i returned home — devastated — and lived in my grandma's basement for 6 months after betrayals and abuses so deep, i didn't recognize myself when i looked into the mirror.
clothes really pulled me out of it. they can be so nourishing for our identity and embodiment if we allow them to be.
i believe you're spot on that polish can be armor. and i think charlotte would agree with that too — perhaps she just decided the armor and the aspiration could be the same thing 🤍
Thank you for sharing that. That you found your way back through clothes, there’s something quietly radical about using the most surface-level thing to rebuild from the inside out.
And yes, Charlotte deciding the armor and the aspiration are the same thing might be the most sophisticated read of her character I’ve come across.
Yes!! I always found Carrie so irritating - in fact all the characters were highly irritating. I couldn't relate to any of them as actual women. But Charlotte got the closest for me every time. And the reason was her deliberate choices. She knew who she was and what she wanted.
Always rubbed me the wrong way how Charlotte’s desire for a family is presented as something inferior to others’ hookups. Samantha is seen as empowering for knowing what she wants, but Charlotte is weak somehow. Sends a subtle message that it’s fine to know what you want only if it’s casual sex, being detached, not something serious and deep. I believe that sleeping around for men is not good at all too, yet I see this pattern of either telling women they should do the same , or accept that men are sluts no matter what ( a woman close to me actually said like that). I believe part of Samantha being loved so much is because of this overcorrection, women feel like Sam is “avenging “ for them, doing what they could not do (being detached from men and only wanting sex, giving men their own medicine etc).
the double standard you're naming is real — there's a very specific kind of dismissiveness reserved for women who want something earnest and say it out loud.
crazy crazy crazy to me that samantha gets celebrated for her clarity. but char gets patronized for hers.
in my mind, the underlying skill is the same: knowing what you want and refusing to apologize for it. that's what i wanted this piece to reframe 🤍
thanks for reading and commenting, mrs r!
I was excited to read this but the ChatGPT enhancement really gave me the ick
aww i've been slinging em dashes since high school.
promise this one is all me.
sending positivity + kindness your way, kate.
I was looking for this comment! sentence structure + frequent paragraph breaks sets off all the chatgpt flags.
if it really isn't chatgpt huge apology to the author, but it does sounds like it to anyone familiar.
nope — just a little piece of my soul 🤍
Makes me wonder if any of my own writing would come up as AI. Sheesh
You can literally run it through AI detectors and it comes up as AI. I use AI for research and long document summaries. It’s easy to recognize when you have exposure.
Oh wow and the comments are AI too, come onnnnn
What is making you think anything here is AI?
Sentence structure, syntax, and a few red flag words that come up in AI writing a lot.
This was a delight to read! Now to figure out how to know what you want in life...
one foot in front of the other!
(preferably whilst strutting in a gorgeous heel 🤭)
Knew it from the beginning.
This is SO brilliant I am in awe of your brain!
i adore you 🤍
see you thursday!!
Loved this piece
This article was actually incredible and also turned me into a subscriber!
lia! welcome 🤍 and from lisbon — i already know your closet has better light than mine. so glad you're here 🕊
Ahaha!! Thank you 🌞
yes, she really did manifest her life! I did the same in my teens and twenties and telling myself I will end up in Europe in my thirties. And at 35, I married an Italian and moved to Italy. Charlott may not have known every little detail of her life she wanted figured out all the time, but she had the big picture. And she always knew what she didn't want.
ahhh! what part of italy? i lived in florence for a couple of years!
hoping to go back for a visit this summer :)
I'm near Venice! And I'm going to Florence in two weeks for my birthday😊
It happened to me as well. Clear goals to work to has put me on a far far better place than I ever was before. And relationships are something I’ve been learning more specifics on what I want. Things I won’t compromise on. And it’s hard to find.
My favourite thing I’ve read this week! Just subbed and excited to read more 💌
this made my whole morning. i just sprinted through your page and i love your energy — subscribed right back. so glad you're here 🤍
I love this! I think you nailed it on the head when it comes to manifestation: "When you know what you want, you filter your choices differently." I too am not a woo-woo person, but having a clear idea of what I want and those outcomes without a clear path has definitely led me to make choices, often subconsciously, that take me one step closer. How I spend my time, where I go, who I take interest in chatting with, etc. Those small changes and decisions are each a nudge forward and eventually you'll land at your destination.
I also think the world has a specific type for jealously for a woman who is willing to voice she wants something out of her reach. We mark them as silly and naive, but maybe those criticizing are really just jealous she's going for it.
'each a nudge forward' — yes, exactly. it's not magic, it's just filtered decision-making running in the background. the path reveals itself because you started walking differently, not because the universe rearranged itself.
and your last point really hit me. i think you're right — there's a specific discomfort people feel around women who name what they want before they have it. it gets disguised as concern or realism but it's often just 'how dare you want that out loud.' charlotte got that from her own friends for six seasons. thank you for this comment, it genuinely added to the piece for me.
"a specific discomfort people feel around women who name what they want before they have it" -- yesss, this is the edgiest thing, because it is brave as all out.
Charlotte York dresses like someone who believes in the life she wants. Her clothes aren't decoration, they are practically her life rehearsal. Every silk dress, every tailored coat reinforces the same internal message: this is the life I'm building. That's fashion psychology. Every outfit is a small vote for the person you believe yourself to be, or the person you are training yourself to become. I see this constantly, how getting dressed is practice (not performance). And the clarity work? When you know what you want, you filter your choices differently. You exit certain situations faster, entertain fewer ambiguous dynamics, recognise misalignment sooner. Clarity reorganises reality behaviourally, not magically. Charlotte wasn't naive, she was strategic. Ambiguous men get boring when you are clear. This is necessary and brilliant work. Building a wardrobe that assumes the future is already on its way. Absolutely loved this post!
thanks, jennifer :)
so excited to have found you in this digital zen garden we call substack!
digital zen garden. I might have to steal that from you. That is such a perfect way to describe substack and how we are building it in our communities!! ♥️