Sarah, you wise goddess! Love all of this, even though it definitely brought up some difficult truths! It left me thinking a lot about the version of me that IIIII think I deserve when left to my own devices versus the version I present to others and want others to think of me as.
I realized there is something almost actively self-sabotaging in the distinction for me. It ISN’T that I actually care less about what I wear when no one else is around — there is almost a tiny gremlin in me that WANTS Alone Me to walk past the floor-length mirror in the apartment wearing the T-shirt and sweatpants I don’t particularly like, catch my reflection, and cringe. Like: Yes, correct. That IS who Me Alone deserves to be. Meanwhile, Me In the World gets color, ridiculous accessories, interesting silhouettes — visual evidence that I am someone worth noticing and delighting in.
I wonder if that division can become both a weird form of self-punishment AND protection. If I reserve the fullest, most intentional version of myself for being witnessed, I never have to confront whether I believe I am worth that same effort without an audience. There is a perceived safety in keeping the floor low: I can always tell myself that the diminished version isn’t the “real” presentation of me because I wasn’t really trying. The sweatpants become almost plausible deniability — I don’t have to risk the possibility of looking at myself, alone, having actually extended care towards myself and deciding still I don’t like what I see.
Which absolutely makes your idea of raising the floor feel all the more profound. There is something almost radical about refusing to make self-regard conditional on witness. About consciously deciding that Alone Me is not the person who deserves the leftovers.
And THEN, there is my separate but related realization that I am an absolute SUCKER for the fact that EVERYTHING has a T-shirt. Went somewhere? T-shirt. Supported a cause? T-shirt. Saw a show? T-shirt. Volunteered for something? T-shirt. Attended an event whose continued existence I would like to personally validate? Obviously I need the T-shirt. My brain apparently believes that the highest form of solidarity is allowing an organization to turn me into a tiny walking billboard.
The result is that I own — not hyperbolically — upwards of 500 T-shirts, and I would estimate that I actually enjoy wearing perhaps 1/10 of them. Which has me thinking about how much of my closet is designed to tell the story of who I am rather than actually facilitate the experience of being her.
And I think that’s what I find so smart about your distinction between raising the ceiling and raising the floor: the clothes that best REPRESENT us and the clothes that best RETURN US TO OURSELVES are not necessarily the same clothes. I have apparently spent years acquiring receipts for an identity when perhaps the more interesting question is: what do I reach for when nobody needs proof?
Anyway, I fear you may have just initiated a deeply upsetting T-shirt reckoning in my household. My wife will be thrilled. 💕
faith!!! you cannot casually leave an entire companion essay in my comments and expect me to behave normally. gently paced around my apartment reading this over 'n over.
the sweatpants as *plausible deniability*, dare i say, stopped me — aka if i haven’t tried, i never have to risk extending care toward myself and still feeling disappointed by what i see. that is such a sharp, tender extension of this idea. and i'm sending a loving, warm hug your way.
i lived with my 94-year-old grandma for six months last year, and she taught me that glamour as self-care — especially when no one is watching — is one of the secrets to life. which is probably why your line about refusing to make self-regard conditional on witness hit me so deeply. glamour isn't a performance for her. it's care she considers herself worthy of receiving. i think we all can learn from that.
and “acquiring receipts for an identity” versus choosing clothes that return us to ourselves!!! going directly into the part of my brain where your psychological tripwire already lives.
please submit field notes from the great 500-t-shirt reckoning. deeply invested now. 💕
Okay — “glamour isn’t a performance for her — it’s care she considers herself worthy of receiving” has now officially hit ANOTHER psychological tripwire over here, so apparently we are just going to keep doing this to each other. 😂
It also feels serendipitous that this immediately reminded me that my Nana’s MySpace username and AIM name were both “BlingIsMyThing” — she, too, believed in the importance of sparkle, presentation, making ordinary existence feel a bit more fabulous, all as a form of self-respect. I think I ought to honor both of our glamorous matriarchs and take the advice. ✨
And YES, field notes from the Great T-Shirt Reckoning forthcoming! 🫡
The minimum viable outfit is such a good concept. Not a uniform, not a capsule, but a baseline that lets you feel recognizably yourself even on low-capacity days.
could we style a tissue-thin long-sleeve underneath her to broker peace between the cardigan + your skin? if not, i fear it may be time to thank her for her service + let her go. beauty is not sufficient compensation for bodily distress!!!
I definitely have the problem of purchasing too many “needy” clothes! It definitely makes me feel like I have nothing to wear even though my closet is full
yes!! abundance on paper, scarcity in practice. which category is your repeat offender?
mine: the vintage find that was “too good to pass up” + is, apparently, too impractical to ever leave the closet. prayers up that the ’70s mugler jumpsuit i bought three years ago may one day make a public appearance.
This is fantastic, specially the note on sweatsuits! For years I have rolled my eyes at the vision of so many people wearing them ALL THE TIME WHATSOEVER. I feel this is a symptom of wanting to remain in childhood, as one doesn't take themselves seariously enough to care to show confidence. I have learned to create a baseline with few (very few) pieces of clothes, but they all match and make me feel ready to take on the world. Alexa Chung is my favourite reference, as she is elegant and cool at the same time. British rock - as in the 60's - and French classics as well. Caroline de Maigret says the culture we consume (music, movies, literature) builds our magnetism through the way we present ourselves. And that was the greatest perspective I've heard. So my wardrobe is basically stylish blazers, jeans and black shirts to use underneath. And heels. I find it difficult to buy simple shoes, it's a disease! I have no flat cute shoe to wear on a sunny day, but many casual heels - does it compensate? Haha.
wowowowowow. beautiful and descriptive writing — I genuinely envisioned you on your roof like a character in a book.
felt somewhat attacked by the sweatpants comments because oh my. I definitely downgrade a version of myself when I put mine on (except for my Valentino ones, of course. yes I did buy Valentino sweatpants to dull the psychological damage.)
minimal viable outfit. yes yes yes. this is where you can see someone’s least guarded, most authentic self, too, IMO. I’ve really turned into a set girl for this reason <3
not necessarily a specific culprit, but I definitely relate to wanting more fun pieces and focusing on those instead of the pretty but easy everyday kind of things. always find myself wanting more or better constructed clothes and neglecting to appreciate just how many beautiful clothes I own. lately i've definitely been trying to be more playful with my style, not in the buying new things but in wearing pieces I don't usually go for and getting more creative with how I pair/style the things I already own!
taking my baseline up a notch for sure!
I could talk clothes legit all day everyday LOL. excited to read more of your work!! <3
Sarah, you wise goddess! Love all of this, even though it definitely brought up some difficult truths! It left me thinking a lot about the version of me that IIIII think I deserve when left to my own devices versus the version I present to others and want others to think of me as.
I realized there is something almost actively self-sabotaging in the distinction for me. It ISN’T that I actually care less about what I wear when no one else is around — there is almost a tiny gremlin in me that WANTS Alone Me to walk past the floor-length mirror in the apartment wearing the T-shirt and sweatpants I don’t particularly like, catch my reflection, and cringe. Like: Yes, correct. That IS who Me Alone deserves to be. Meanwhile, Me In the World gets color, ridiculous accessories, interesting silhouettes — visual evidence that I am someone worth noticing and delighting in.
I wonder if that division can become both a weird form of self-punishment AND protection. If I reserve the fullest, most intentional version of myself for being witnessed, I never have to confront whether I believe I am worth that same effort without an audience. There is a perceived safety in keeping the floor low: I can always tell myself that the diminished version isn’t the “real” presentation of me because I wasn’t really trying. The sweatpants become almost plausible deniability — I don’t have to risk the possibility of looking at myself, alone, having actually extended care towards myself and deciding still I don’t like what I see.
Which absolutely makes your idea of raising the floor feel all the more profound. There is something almost radical about refusing to make self-regard conditional on witness. About consciously deciding that Alone Me is not the person who deserves the leftovers.
And THEN, there is my separate but related realization that I am an absolute SUCKER for the fact that EVERYTHING has a T-shirt. Went somewhere? T-shirt. Supported a cause? T-shirt. Saw a show? T-shirt. Volunteered for something? T-shirt. Attended an event whose continued existence I would like to personally validate? Obviously I need the T-shirt. My brain apparently believes that the highest form of solidarity is allowing an organization to turn me into a tiny walking billboard.
The result is that I own — not hyperbolically — upwards of 500 T-shirts, and I would estimate that I actually enjoy wearing perhaps 1/10 of them. Which has me thinking about how much of my closet is designed to tell the story of who I am rather than actually facilitate the experience of being her.
And I think that’s what I find so smart about your distinction between raising the ceiling and raising the floor: the clothes that best REPRESENT us and the clothes that best RETURN US TO OURSELVES are not necessarily the same clothes. I have apparently spent years acquiring receipts for an identity when perhaps the more interesting question is: what do I reach for when nobody needs proof?
Anyway, I fear you may have just initiated a deeply upsetting T-shirt reckoning in my household. My wife will be thrilled. 💕
faith!!! you cannot casually leave an entire companion essay in my comments and expect me to behave normally. gently paced around my apartment reading this over 'n over.
the sweatpants as *plausible deniability*, dare i say, stopped me — aka if i haven’t tried, i never have to risk extending care toward myself and still feeling disappointed by what i see. that is such a sharp, tender extension of this idea. and i'm sending a loving, warm hug your way.
i lived with my 94-year-old grandma for six months last year, and she taught me that glamour as self-care — especially when no one is watching — is one of the secrets to life. which is probably why your line about refusing to make self-regard conditional on witness hit me so deeply. glamour isn't a performance for her. it's care she considers herself worthy of receiving. i think we all can learn from that.
and “acquiring receipts for an identity” versus choosing clothes that return us to ourselves!!! going directly into the part of my brain where your psychological tripwire already lives.
please submit field notes from the great 500-t-shirt reckoning. deeply invested now. 💕
Okay — “glamour isn’t a performance for her — it’s care she considers herself worthy of receiving” has now officially hit ANOTHER psychological tripwire over here, so apparently we are just going to keep doing this to each other. 😂
It also feels serendipitous that this immediately reminded me that my Nana’s MySpace username and AIM name were both “BlingIsMyThing” — she, too, believed in the importance of sparkle, presentation, making ordinary existence feel a bit more fabulous, all as a form of self-respect. I think I ought to honor both of our glamorous matriarchs and take the advice. ✨
And YES, field notes from the Great T-Shirt Reckoning forthcoming! 🫡
The minimum viable outfit is such a good concept. Not a uniform, not a capsule, but a baseline that lets you feel recognizably yourself even on low-capacity days.
This made me think of the beautiful pink Sézane cardigan hanging in my wardrobe that is so lovely but makes me itch so so bad….
could we style a tissue-thin long-sleeve underneath her to broker peace between the cardigan + your skin? if not, i fear it may be time to thank her for her service + let her go. beauty is not sufficient compensation for bodily distress!!!
this found me at the perfect time, thank you for your service
served on a michelin-starred platter, just for you 🤍
I definitely have the problem of purchasing too many “needy” clothes! It definitely makes me feel like I have nothing to wear even though my closet is full
yes!! abundance on paper, scarcity in practice. which category is your repeat offender?
mine: the vintage find that was “too good to pass up” + is, apparently, too impractical to ever leave the closet. prayers up that the ’70s mugler jumpsuit i bought three years ago may one day make a public appearance.
This is fantastic, specially the note on sweatsuits! For years I have rolled my eyes at the vision of so many people wearing them ALL THE TIME WHATSOEVER. I feel this is a symptom of wanting to remain in childhood, as one doesn't take themselves seariously enough to care to show confidence. I have learned to create a baseline with few (very few) pieces of clothes, but they all match and make me feel ready to take on the world. Alexa Chung is my favourite reference, as she is elegant and cool at the same time. British rock - as in the 60's - and French classics as well. Caroline de Maigret says the culture we consume (music, movies, literature) builds our magnetism through the way we present ourselves. And that was the greatest perspective I've heard. So my wardrobe is basically stylish blazers, jeans and black shirts to use underneath. And heels. I find it difficult to buy simple shoes, it's a disease! I have no flat cute shoe to wear on a sunny day, but many casual heels - does it compensate? Haha.
I just can’t read this. Please learn to capitalize sentences!
i’m here for expression — not perfection, babe! sending love your way! 🤍
I love this article!!
love your love! thanks for reading — happy it resonated :)
I LOVE THIS. I need to find the sloppiest, lowest maintenance outfit I wear n upgrade that!
it makes so much sense — i can’t believe it took 32 years to click for me!
Clothes that need negotiations are the worse! They are too nice to declutter and to useless to actually wear 😁
But I have to admit that I fond leggings to be perfectly viable 😅
This is an absolute gem...love your writing!
smiling — thank you, heather 🤍
wowowowowow. beautiful and descriptive writing — I genuinely envisioned you on your roof like a character in a book.
felt somewhat attacked by the sweatpants comments because oh my. I definitely downgrade a version of myself when I put mine on (except for my Valentino ones, of course. yes I did buy Valentino sweatpants to dull the psychological damage.)
minimal viable outfit. yes yes yes. this is where you can see someone’s least guarded, most authentic self, too, IMO. I’ve really turned into a set girl for this reason <3
Absolutely loved reading this.
This is such a great article!! Definitely gonna have me looking at my wardrobe differently. Thanks for sharing 🥰
ahh thank you, paige!! but girl, give me the tea — did a specific closet culprit immediately come to mind? 👀
not necessarily a specific culprit, but I definitely relate to wanting more fun pieces and focusing on those instead of the pretty but easy everyday kind of things. always find myself wanting more or better constructed clothes and neglecting to appreciate just how many beautiful clothes I own. lately i've definitely been trying to be more playful with my style, not in the buying new things but in wearing pieces I don't usually go for and getting more creative with how I pair/style the things I already own!
taking my baseline up a notch for sure!
I could talk clothes legit all day everyday LOL. excited to read more of your work!! <3